


for the ends of being and ideal grace

by rabesluthor



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Apocalypse, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Character Death, Childhood Trauma, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Growing Up Together, and traumatised, and yes this is a songfic and what about it, but it's complicated, but that's not the point... or is it?, let's face it they're just gay and dramatic, there are going to be some tw's long the way, they fall in love, yes someone dies don't worry it's not one of them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-26 08:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30103419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabesluthor/pseuds/rabesluthor
Summary: After running from her traumatic past alongside her aunt Myrtle, Cordelia meets Misty and they grow up together, eventually falling in love.But, of course, things are not that easy.
Relationships: Misty Day/Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode
Comments: 9
Kudos: 17





	1. I wonder how you view me now

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from the poem "How Do I Love Thee" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. chapter based on the song "HYD" by Hayley Williams.

_My life begun the day that you came in it_  
  


Love. Such a tiny word but with immense meaning to so many people and sometimes even considered a scary feeling but this concept always seemed odd to Misty. Why would someone be afraid of feeling such beautiful and profound things for other people? She always made funny faces when trying to understand other people in this particular subject which always made Cordelia laugh and grab her nose until the curly haired girl stopped scrunching it and bit the other girls' hand playfully. They grew up together. Everything was always easy even when Misty was stubborn enough to drive Cordelia mad, which always ended up in laughter and tickle fights until they fell asleep from exhaustion.   


Cordelia was pretty much raised by her aunt Myrtle, who took her under her wing after Fiona was admitted to a mental facility when Cordelia was eight and a few months later they moved to Louisiana. The memories of that house were too much to Cordelia. She would have night terrors every night and they would always be terrifying. Her mother was present in all of them, she was the monster of all her closets and the villain on all her nightmares. Myrtle always tried to help her cope with everything but it was just too much for a girl at such a young age so getting out of there was the best solution she saw at that time. At first, things continued the same as before and Cordelia always seemed scared of even getting out of the house but as time went on, she started to adventure more, specially when Myrtle encouraged her to try new things everyday.   


On Cordelia's 9th birthday, she asked for the first time in a month if she could go for a walk around the neighbourhood which Myrtle answered a very excited 'yes'. Getting out of the house and breathing some fresh air was what Cordelia had been thinking all morning and when she finally did it the feeling of freedom invaded her and tears started streaming down her face. She finally felt like herself after everything she went through.   


After some time, she found a little bench near her house and sat down, looking at the sun gradually going down until she heard running in that area. Distracted, she got up and chased the sound which lead her to the middle of some trees that were near to her place. Pleasantly surprised by this discovery, she continued chasing the steps she heard earlier and a few seconds later, she saw a little girl looking at something in the ground. Even as she was little taller than herself, the girl was probably a year or so younger than her, with curly and messy blond hair, and she had her clothes completely dirty. Getting a little closer, she could see that the girl was looking at little frog, and Cordelia then understood why she was running around like that. Standing there awkwardly, Cordelia didn't know if she should say or do something, sure she wanted new friends but the fear of not being likable was what kept her from doing something. Turning around and trying to get out of there without disrupting the other girl's moment, she heard a voice which startled her.  


"Hey, are you okay?"  


She didn't understand the question until she took her surroundings in. Apparently, in the rush of running off, she tripped on a little rock that she didn't notice and was now in the middle of a puddle. Cordelia could say that her clothes now looked exactly like that little girl's in front of her. She finally looked at the stranger and saw a little worry wrinkle in her forehead and the hand she offered Cordelia. It all felt like it wasn't real. The beautiful blue eyes that girl had never left Cordelia's dreams after that day. After Cordelia's little incident, they spent the rest of the afternoon playing around in the woods. Misty, which was the girl's name, told her about her frog that ran away. Apparently, Spencer did that a lot of times so she finally let him go that day. 

When Cordelia noticed, it was almost night time and she got up suddendly from Misty's lap and took the taller girl's hand so she could get up too.

"Misty, it's getting late" Cordelia said while playing with the younger one's fingers.

"Yeah I know i jus' got distracted with the time tha's all" she said and scratched the nape of her neck.   


Cordelia tugged her out of the woods and when she got close to her house she stopped in her tracks and looked at Misty "Wait, where do you live?" 

Misty pointed towards her right "It's just here, it's like you read my mind.

"No silly" she said as she scratched her cheek "apparently we live next to each other"

"Oh- y-yeah that makes more sense" she laughs "umm- well I have to go-"

Cordelia grabs Misty's wrist "Will I see you again?"

"Of course you will, you can just knock on my door" she pulls Cordelia into a hug, who needed some time to reciprocate.  
They looked into each others eyes and then parted ways to their own houses. When Cordelia opened the front door, Myrtle was sitting in the chair near the entrance, reading a book. The girl closed the door and Myrtle looked at her and a little smile appeared on her face and she closed the book and left it on the chair she was seated to then grab Cordelia's hand and lead her to the bathroom so she could have a bath. Cordelia closed the door and loked at herself in the mirror. Laugher suddendly errupted from her throat and she stood there, laughing like she hadn't done in a long time. Her hair was all matted and her face had mud marks all over it but she never felt this happy in her life. She made a friend and had fun being a kid, something she wasn't really used to be. 

\--

"So, did you have fun today?" her aunt asked as she put her dinner in front of her.  


"I made a friend today" she said while putting a fork full of pasta in her mouth and swallowing it.  


"Oh- you did? That's wonderful news dear!" Myrtle said excited.  


"Yeah, she lives near us" Cordelia looked at her food and bit her lip in thought.  


"What is it, Delia?"  


She smiles at the nickname and looks up at her aunt "Can i go play with her tomorrow?"  


Myrtle smiles "Of course you can, my dear"   


Cordelia finishes her dinner, goes to bed and for the first time her dreams are different. Real life monsters and trauma-filled memories are replaced by a certain pair of blue eyes and the brightest smile Cordelia had ever seen.

The years went by and by the time Misty was sixteen, she started questioning if what she felt for Cordelia was a simple platonic love or if it was more than that. Yes, she never feared love but this one was something different, something she didn't understand. It was a different kind of love and what she didn't know is that love takes many forms but now she was certain that she was wrong about not understanding why people were scared of love because she was as well. Scared not only of Cordelia not feeling the same but of losing her forever as well.

So yes, Misty Day was completely terrified.

This was too when she started smoking. It was the only way of coping she found at that time and she knew it wasn't the right way to deal with stuff but it was just too much for her to deal it. Cordelia already smoked casually but she always complained about how many times she tried to quit, which never happened, at least during the time they were a thing. That's how Misty looked at them, she never knew how to define their friendship and boundaries were foggy between them.   


When Misty turned seventeen, she started going out at night with Cordelia and some other aquaintances. She was never a party animal, she just never understood the thrill of going to a place full of sweaty strangers who were probably too drunk to remember their our name. But Cordelia liked to get drunk, not the whole party part of it, but it was an easy way to get shit faced, so she just went. It made her forget about things for a while, the memories she remembered from her childhood and the ones she couldn't put a finger on, the pressure she felt from everyone around her to date Hank and specially the way Misty looked at her she talked about that topic. Nothing made sense in her brain. In her head she always thought that when a handsome guy wanted to go out with her she would definitely feel the same, but it wasn't the case and everyone telling her what to do only confused her even more. The only person who never pressured her to do anything was Misty.  


And the only one she wanted opinions from.   


What she felt for Misty was also something she didn't understand. Her eyes and her voice were the only thing in this world that could calm her down after a nightmare. When they'd have sleepovers, which happened almost everyday, the only way she would calm down was if Misty sung some Stevie Nicks song. Her voice was far from perfect in the singing departement, but it was perfect for Cordelia. Waking up in Misty's embrace was the best feeling she had ever felt in her entire life and she couldn't compare it to anything else. And that night, when they went out for th first time, changed her a lot.   


They kissed for the first time and it was like fireworks exploded under her eyelids.  


But it was their last moment together, and they both knew it.  


Cordelia was tipsy and Misty looked annoyed at the loud music playing in the little bar near their places. She just wanted to go back home and put some Stevie on her walkman so she and Cordelia could fall asleep peacefully. But apparently that wasn't happening very soon.  


At some point, Cordelia dragged Misty to the dance floor because 'they HAD to dance to that song' according to the older girl so Misty just went with it. She was used to dance with Cordelia but she was too stubborn to not be leading, which always made the shorter girl laugh and place Misty's hands on her hips, and this time wasn't an exception. They swayed to the calm song that was more like a background noise at that point. Misty could pratically hear her own heartbeat and her hands shaking when Cordelia nuzzled her nose in Misty's neck and exhaled.   


"Mist, are you okay? Your hands are shaking" Cordelia said while reaching for Misty's right hand.  


"Yeah um- it's okay i-i'm okay" She gives her a little smile and looks at the ground.  


"Hey" Cordelia reaches for Misty's chin and looks her in the eye "I love you."  


Misty giggles, face going red "I love you too, Delia."  


They stand there for a while, taking each other in. The song had already stopped and another one was about to take it's place but Misty couldn't care less about that. Cordelia was looking at her that way, the way she looked at her when Misty sang her to sleep. It felt like her whole body melted and a shiver went up and down her spine. The last thing she felt was Cordelia's thumb stroking her cheek, a question. A desperate question for permission, for consent.  


For love.  


_In a million years, never thought i'd see the day you'd chose your fear over me._  
  


When their lips connected, everything made sense. Every doubt Cordelia had about Hank and the weird feelings she had for Misty and never understood finally made sense. She loved her, like she never had loved anyone and the kiss they shared was the living proof that she shouldn't be scared of what they felt. Everytime Misty looked at her just made her want to forget everything and everyone to live forever in the other girl's arms. In that moment, the last thing in her mind was the letter she had received and the bags she had made earlier that day, with Misty's help. She wished she had had the courage to do this before so they could have more time. Cordelia knew it was inevitable and that Misty would never let her give up on her dreams because of her.  


So she tried to enjoy as much as possible.  


After their lips separated, Misty giggled again. She couldn't believe what happened and looking at Cordelia's smile made her heart skip a beat. Cordelia kissed her cheek and dragged her outside, already pulling out her pack of cigarettes and offering one to Misty, who accepted it with the biggest smile ever. Cordelia started Misty's ciggarette as well as her own and they sat in a comfortable silence. At some point, their hands interwined with each other and Misty brought them to her lips, leaving a kiss there.  


"I wish we had done this before" Cordelia says after exhaling out the smoke.  


The other girl looked at the sky "Yeah, me too"   


Misty changed her hand position and started playing with Cordelia's fingers, something Cordelia normally does when she's nervous, and then looked and her best friend.  


"Will you forget me when you go?" She whispered.  


"Never, that's impossible" Cordelia smiled in Misty's direction.  


"No, I mean, I want you to forget me" tears started to accumulate in Misty's eyes.  


"Mist, what do you mean?" the worry in Cordelia's voice was clear.  


"You always wanted to get out of here and be a teacher, help other children and I don't wan' your mind to be stuck here." Misty wiped her tears with back of her hand.  


"Hey, please don't say that. I can't forget you, Misty" Cordelia grabbed both of Misty's cheeks "I can't forget you when I love you more than i love myself."  


Misty laughed nervously and looked at her best friends eyes again "That's why you need to forget me. You'll never really leave this place if i'm constantly on you mind"  


Cordelia shook her head, tears spilling out of her eyes "I can't, Misty."  


"Delia, please. Do this for me." she kissed Cordelia's forehead "I love you to the moon and back."  


"I love you too, frog"   


Hearing the little nickname Cordelia gave her when they were younger made Misty's heart drop to her stomach. They loved each other but she knew this was for the best.

\--

Later that night, Misty entered Cordelia's room and sat on the bed they had shared so many times in the past and waited for her best friend. Minutes passed and Cordelia finally came out of the bathroom with another ciggarette in her lips and offered one to Misty, who didn't accept.  


"God, I really need to stop smoking." she said as she started her cigarette and sat on her usual chair near the window.

Misty's body was completely tense. She didn't know what to do so she just layed down on the bed and looked at the ceiling.

Some time passed and neither of them talked until Cordelia finished her ciggarette.

"I don't now if i'm capable of forgetting you" she said, startling Misty who sat up to look at Cordelia.  


"I don't know if I can do it either" Misty sighed.  


Cordelia got up and sat on bed, looking at Misty with a pleading in her eyes. Misty nodded and they shared a chaste kiss. The curly haired girl kissed Cordelia's forehead for the second time that night and started playing with Cordelia's hair as she put her head on Misty's shoulder.  


"I'll miss this so much" Cordelia looked at her best friend "I love you, Misty"  


"I love you too, Delia" they kissed again.  


This has always been Misty's favourite memory that she had with Cordelia. Even 15 years later, she could still feel Cordelia's scent everytime she visited Myrtle and the way their lips connected that night. She wonders if Cordelia ever quit smoking like she wanted to, but never reached out for fear of making her come back and leave everything behind. Misty remembers waking up the next morning and Cordelia was already gone, only leaving a note that she still had to this day, even if she felt sad that she didn't see Cordelia before she left.  


_When the air is quiet and the sky is blue, i can't help to be reminded of you._  
  


\- Cordelia.


	2. for every fairytale untrue, and all the hearts yet to be broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misty reminisces in the past and something unexpected happens, so she has to call someone. based on the songs "Wait on" and "Just A Lover" by Hayley Williams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is a little bit shorter than the last one but I hope it's enjoyable! Thanks to Jay for proof reading this, I love you so much <3

_I don't wanna wait on you, but it's just what i keep doing._  
  


Missing someone. It's a way of saying that you wish that person was there with you. There's only one language that has a word to describe that feeling, which is portuguese.   


"Saudade."  


Misty was always very interested in learning new languages. She used to tell Cordelia that it was a way to exercise her brain but deep down she knew that she only did it because she felt like the English languange didn't have enough words to describe what she felt for Cordelia. And she did research about every language she could remember but still, she couldn't find a word to describe Cordelia in a way that would make her justice, so she eventually gave up. But what Misty knew was that what she had said that day would have an impact on what Cordelia chose to do from that moment on. She knew that when she asked Cordelia to forget her, she would do it or at least try to. Cordelia trusted her with her own life and Misty was aware of that, because she had confessed it multiple times before. So asking her that meant not having any contact, because Misty wanted Cordelia to be happy and succesfull and she knew that Cordelia wanted to get out of that town.   


Everyday she forced herself to just try to let go, try to go on with her life without having Cordelia always in the back of her mind or the forefront of it but that was almost impossible. She saw that girl everywhere and everything reminded her of Cordelia. Some days it was hard to get out of bed and not cry about all the time they had wasted but she always got through it and was always able to get back up and be a normal person. For a long time, and sometimes even nowadays, Misty blamed Cordelia for all the suffering she went through but that logical voice in her mind always told her that she was the one come up with this.   


She was the one to blame.  


Even if it didn't really make sense, she felt guilty for driving Cordelia away from her life. She knew it was Cordelia's dream and that it was inevitable but she still blamed herself. It was a shift of guilt she made unconsciously. She still loved Cordelia with all her heart and remembering how she felt when she woke up and her best friend wasn't next to her anymore always made her heart break a little bit more. Every night, she still sang before bed but this time it was to no one but her empty bedroom. She still had pictures of them on her wall and she still danced in her room, expect now she was alone.   


_In the morning i feel my heart crack open._  


When Myrtle got sick she didn't want to tell Cordelia. She always said that her little girl was now a succesful woman and she didn't want to ruin that for her by dropping the cancer bomb all of the sudden in her life. Misty sympatised with her and promised she wouldn't say anything. Who was she to deny a poor woman's last wishes? Myrtle told her it was terminal and she didn't have a lot of time left so Misty decided to spend that time with Myrtle, telling her stories about her childhood with Cordelia. Those were always her favorite stories so Misty made an effort to share them without crying. At some point, Myrtle stopped getting out of bed. She had gave up on chemo and she knew she had maybe a week. Seeing her like that made Misty sick to her stomach. She always remembered Myrtle as very alive and present person, who always tried to make Cordelia laugh with something silly. But now, that same woman was laying in bed, dragging her last breaths and almost unresponsive. Seeing Myrtle like that made her more aware of her own mortality and how she had been wasting all those years of her life, without Cordelia or without doing anything to move on.  


She wasn't sure which one she preferred.  


The day Myrtle passed away was one of the worst days of Misty's life. She had lost not only someone she considered family but another part of her childhood as well. She knew she couldn't keep this from Cordelia and sooner or later she had to give her the news but for now she needed to arrange everything for Myrtle's funeral and process everything. She wasn't ready to hear Cordelia's voice or to even see her all these years later. She didn't know if she was capable of that.  


She didn't know anything anymore.  
  
  


Three days after she finally got the courage to ring Cordelia. It was already two in the morning but she had to call her. Yes, she was scared and no she wasn't sure if Cordelia want to talk with her but she had to at least try. She knew Myrtle used to call her every weekend and she had her niece's number under the vase in the kitchen table. Grabbing her phone, her hands shaking and her palms sweating, she dialed the number written in Myrtle's elegant handwriting and waited. Anxiety coursed through her whole body and the blood in her veins felt like needles poking her arms. Seconds after, a muffled "aunt Myrtle?" was heard in the other end of the line. Misty's body became tense. Her voice had matured but it still had that honey-like sound, except it seemed a little sadder. It wasn't until Misty heard Cordelia's voice calling Myrtle's name again that she said something.  


"Delia, it's me" she cleared her throat uncomfortably "it's Misty." Silence was the reply Misty got from that. She didn't know what to say and she wasn't sure if Cordelia had heard her or if she was as shocked and uncomfortable as Misty herself. The silence streched until Cordelia sighed on the other side of the line.  


"Frog..." she whispered.  


"You still remember me?" Misty said, sligthly relieved.  


"How could i not" Cordelia said, her smile could be heard.  


Misty remembered why she had called and her little bubble of excitement exploded. Tears started going down her cheeks and she cleared her throat again, trying to shake that feeling away.  


"Cordelia, i have some upsetting news to deliver..." she waited for Cordelia to say something but nothing came "it's about Myrtle."  


"What happened? Just tell me, Mist" her voice wavered, emotion overtaking it.  


"She got very sick" Misty's sigh came out her trembling lips, trying to hold back tears "and she passed away, three days ago."  


"What? Wha- what do you mean 'got sick'? Tell me it's a joke, Misty" Misty could hear Cordelia's tears in her voice "please... please, tell me you're lying."  


Misty wiped her snotty nose with the back of her hand, eyes already red from the amount of tears she had cried "I would never lie about something like this, Delia."  


"Why didn't you tell me?" she almost shouted, something Misty was not expecting "why didn't you call me before, Misty?"  


Hearing her name, with that tone of voice coming from Cordelia, made her heart break for the woman on the phone with her.  


"She asked me not to Cordelia" Misty reasoned "i couldn't just go against her last wishes, it was what she wanted."  


"I don't give a fuck about that, Misty" Cordelia hiccuped and coughed "y-you could've told me, she was my aunt, goddamit"  


"I'm sorry, Delia" she sighed heavely "but she begged me not to, i couldn't go against her word"  


Another moment of silence presented itseft between them. Misty shuffled uncomfortably in her chair, the chair Cordelia used to sit in when they went hours and hours talking, as if trying to find a comfortable position. She heard Cordelia hiccuping and sighing, the same way she did when they were kids and she stopped crying.  


"I understand" she said sniffing "when is the funeral?"  


"This friday" Misty answered.  


"I will be there" was the last thing Misty heard before the line went dead.  


She knew Cordelia was mad and she was aware that she couldn't do anything about it unless pray she'll come around and forgive her, even if it wasn't her fault. It wasn't her decision to make. Myrtle asked her not to tell Cordelia and the only thing she did was respect her wish. Misty understood Cordelia's rage, she had just lost her aunt and the only mother figure she ever knew so Misty didn't blame her at all, she just hoped Cordelia didn't hate her.  


Losing her again would be too much.  


_I know exactly what this is, or whatever it was._


End file.
